Drinking Sweat Like It Is Wine
by troubled.writings.x
Summary: He could have her forever. Have her smile, laugh and cry with him. He could have her walk down the aisle towards him, bear his children and wake up next to him each and every morning. But he won't. She won't let him. N/B
1. you give yourself away

**Title: Drinking Sweat Like It Is Wine**

**Chapter: One**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**Rating: T - may change in later chapters  
**

**Ship(s): N/B**

**Summary: He could have her forever. Have her smile, laugh and cry with him. He could have her walk down the aisle towards him, bear his children and wake up next to him each and every morning. But he won't. She won't let him.**

—

Blair had been having the same dream for the past few months.

She would be standing placidly in front of her vanity mirror, scrutinizing herself carefully, trying to find what it was about her that wasn't satisfying. For the life of her, Blair couldn't find anything, but somehow, she knew there had do be something or she wouldn't be inspecting herself so cruelly.

Blair would purse her lips, sift through her brown locks with her fingers, smooth her eyebrows and stretch the pores of her skin until they hurt, trying to find anything that would prove why she felt so undesired. Yet, she would discover nothing.

She would remain Blair Waldorf and still, she was lonely.

The dream consistently ended when Blair would bring her fist back and punch the mirror with such force that the shards would fall to the floor all around her bedroom. The glass would sprinkle in the beam of sunlight that wound its way through the curtains of her window as she would clumsily step over the pieces.

When Blair would wake up, gasping hard for breath, drenched in sweat, blindly grasping for the the sheets of her bed, she would find it ironic how the pieces of the mirror resembled her broken heart. It was only then, each and every night, when Blair realized that Nate (of course) was the fist. He was always the strong one; he was the first to bounce back and he broke her just as easily.

Nate, Blair had always known, had never had a need for many words. Or any words for that matter. Maybe that was what she used to love about him so much. How secular Nate never minded feeling. How he never fussed or fiddled with the small details around him. How he always let things be. And because she wasn't anything like Nate with her cursing and picking and scheming, sometimes she liked to think that was what Nate once loved about her.

Perhaps that was why she began to steer clear of him ever since her dreams, more considered to be nightmares, had started.

Being friendly with Nate had been the last thing Blair expected considering their slim relationship after graduation. But she didn't blame him. Many of the things that had been wrong between them were not Nate's fault and she would give him that. She would give him her company and he would constantly give her heart a pull with every nearing inch he was close to her.

Blair would see him almost every where she went and all she wanted to say to him was, "I wish we were closer," yet the only words that left her mouth were, "hey" or "how's life?" and she hated herself for that. Because nothing in the world had been harder to renounce than Nate and the memory of their love, that Blair was sure she couldn't handle it a second time. And she was right. She couldn't. These dreams, they didn't leave her feeling dejected... they left her lovelorn. They left her yearning for a touch that Blair knew only one person could give.

And immediately it hurt. Being with Nate no longer gave her heart a pull, it sliced it up into little pieces, over and over again. Blair would panic, not finding anything merely intelligent enough to say before she would ostracize herself into silence. All in fear her dream would slip and become reality.

To make matters worse, these dreams appeared out of no where. Sometimes Blair would spend her free time troubling herself into finding the source of her horrid visions and she couldn't find a thing, just like she couldn't find anything physically deforming about herself in those said dreams.

She would admit that there were a few times when she hadn't been the brightest. She had done things in the past that proved so. She just couldn't be near Nate and the only reason that made sense to her was because she was going to get hurt, all over again.

Blair cursed and picked and schemed. She got what she wanted after her much hard work. Sometimes she liked to think that was what Nate once loved about her.

The third snowfall of the season was trickling outside when Blair received the call.

–

"Are you..." she stalled, obviously unsure of how to continue. Nate had yet to look at her. "Are you alright?"

When Blair first heard the news of Nate's accident she stayed absolutely still. Almost as if there was a sudden chance that if she didn't respond, it wouldn't be true. Maybe if she didn't say anything out loud or if she didn't make any sudden movements for the door then maybe, just maybe, Nate wouldn't be in the hospital.

Was Blair kidding him? He was terrific, aside from feeling that a hole had clobbered straight through him. Nate wished he hated her enough to voice his thought out loud. He was always so weak in front of her presence.

"Fine."

Blair answered for herself, gravely taking a seat in the chair perched adjacent to the hospital bed. Except there was so much more she wished she could tell him but couldn't. Such as how vaguely Nate's predicament mirrored his father's condition years ago. Blair had to bite down on her tongue so the words 'like father, life son,' didn't slip from her mouth. Instead she was just glad he, himself, didn't overdose as she silently reached for his hand.

Frankly Blair was surprised that she was upset. For the past five years she was completely absorbed in hospitals like this one, therefore it was ironic how she suddenly couldn't get used to the atmosphere all of a sudden. The haunting white walls; creaking beds; windows that had the worst view possible, making the patients feel as if they were imprisoned.

Nate couldn't remember her hand being this soft or warm. It sent a slight shock through his arm enough for him to jolt up in bed, but Nate stayed stiff, rigid almost, still not giving her the satisfaction of looking her in the eye. He didn't want to give in.

"Nate, despite of what you may think of our friendship or – " she broke her sentence off for a few seconds, taking a small, deep breath, "whatever, you can still talk to me and tell me what happened."

And what? Have him rely on someone else to give him the strength that he had always needed? Nate's lips twisted into something not quite a sneer, but something close. To give him...comfort? He had managed all these years by himself, Nate didn't see why he needed her now.

"Look," Blair sighed, staring at where their fingers intertwined. "I'm not going to pretend I know what you're thinking. I spent too much of my life contemplating that I knew everything about you when I didn't. I don't have any hope to understand you again and–"

He had to put and end to this, so he spoke out for the first time during her visit.

"I don't need you you, Blair." Nate spat, hoping to see how her insides would carve up if he would make the words a little sharper. This was what he was. This was what he had become. "I don't need you and I don't want your pity. You have nothing for me."

(So much for him being weak. Right.)

Nate felt her sink heavily forward in her chair, leaning over ever so slightly with an expression reflecting hurt and betrayal on her face. He could almost feel her warm breath move past her lips and hit his cheek, like some sort of mockery of what her hand should have done.

She gave him the hardest look she could muster at the moment before yanking her hand forcefully from his. Blair pushed her chair back and rose, sending him a final teeth-clenched glance before marching out of his room and slamming the door behind her.

If she had nothing for him, than he had even less for her.

–

A flash of remembrance crossed his face after he flinched once the door shuttered against its frame. Not too long ago, Blair was seated in front of him, looking even smaller and more vulnerable then she was in high school, when all he did was shun her.

Nate cursed himself silently before letting his head hang back onto his pillow.

Up until a few months ago, he had spent more time with her than he probably had towards the end of their relationship. And then, all of sudden Blair stopped returning his calls and he would rarely see her. At first Nate thought he had done something wrong. Perhaps he repulsed her to some extent that Blair didn't want anything to do with him. Nonetheless he couldn't find figure out exactly what he had done. To be honest, Nate had gone a few extra miles to impress Blair, because it was universally known that Blair didn't expect anything less than perfect.

And it was a strange feeling because when they were together, he hadn't gone so far to spent an extra ten minutes finding something remotely appropriate to wear in front of her or to spend a few more dollars on a set of hydrangeas. In fact, Nate couldn't remember the last time he had been so keen in Blair's interest which only made everything he thought he had known about her shift into a sudden need for him to know more.

But then she untangled herself from him without a word or an explanation and Nate was tossed back into isolation, the same sort of loneliness he felt after her scandal with Chuck in junior year. The sort he tried to smother with Catherine, then Vanessa and finally Jenny, and in their own way they gave him company but it wasn't enough. What he needed was Blair, but he wasn't enough, he finally understood.

That was what lead him to becoming infatuated with Blair when he saw her again after returning to New York from California. Everything about her, the way she dressed and did her hair, the way she smiled and walked with superiority, it made his physical attraction to Blair swell. Nate was finally happy again that he had reconciled with her, which only made his mind stir as to how he had gotten along for nearly eight years without a friend like her.

It was frustrating at times, because when he would secretly reach for Blair's hand, she'd silently move it across her other arm. The only thing more frustrating was knowing that she hadn't done it on purpose. Every failed attempt would mock Nate, distracting him for some time before he would try again.

When Nate greeted Blair, he'd ask her how she was doing after a subtle "hello" or "how are you?". He regretted it every time. However, he had never always said the sweet things that entered his mind every time he saw her. Not then and not now. He couldn't for the simple fact that then she would be chased away.

Nate wasn't a fool. Yes, he had been confused for a good fraction of his earlier life, when he didn't know right from wrong. It was just sometimes he did the wrong thing for the right reasons. Nathaniel Archibald might have, a tiny bit, loved Blair Waldorf, still he knew his feelings weren't reciprocated.

Blair had made it pretty evident once she had broken all contact from him.

Except now, a couple of days after being struck by a cab while aimlessly crossing 42nd street, Blair Waldorf came face to face with him, only because Nate was confined to a hospital bed for a week. It all made sense because she pitied him. Pitied him, Nate Archibald. Pitied him for being in the minor accident. Pitied him for being in the hospital for a week. Pitied him for having no one else.

No thanks, he didn't need her pity. He just... he needed her.

Damn Blair for feeling as though their friendship wasn't sincere. Damn Blair for believe him when he told her he didn't need her. Damn Blair for not having any hope for understanding him. Nate just needed her to try. That was what she would have wanted him to do, so why couldn't she do the same for him?

–

Blair could not stand the thought of him. Yet, his face was the one that haunted her and his name was the one that slipped from the confines of her unwilling lips during her dreams, Blair had began noticing.

Sometimes she wondered if Nate noticed the way her eyes strained to find him in a crowded room, or the way that the sight of him was enough to send her images that would never be obtained. There were times when Blair caught him staring. Times when he stared as well and when their eyes met she was lost for a split second until he turned away. Nate was always the first to look away and Blair didn't know why.

She watched herself in her vanity mirror, this time it wasn't a dream, except it was being played out as the ones that haunted her every night.

Blair knew that it was pointless because something deep down told her that nothing about her appearance was flawed.

And it was times like this when she just wanted to break down in front of him. She just wanted to tell Nate how much she missed him and how she wished that things were different. Blair just wanted to bawl with tears, shriek at him, wishing he hadn't slept with Serena and wishing that she hadn't agreed to Chuck's proposal of taking her home in his limousine. If she could, Blair would tell Nate that she wished he wasn't the one she couldn't have.

However Blair couldn't bring herself to say any of those things.

Though she thought she might want Nate Archibald, she knew that she didn't need him any longer.

She was Blair Waldorf and she was going to survive.

–

Nate didn't know whether to feel awed or disturbed by the fact that he still knew so much about Blair. The way her hair fell around her gorgeous, porcelain face as she cocked her head in disgust at some ridiculous thing someone might say. Or the way he nose scrunched up as she laughed at some mindless quip. Or how her eyes, and how they still didn't fail to captivate his sense.

And after everything, he blamed her for it all. Nate blamed her for making him feel this way. If she weren't so beautiful, if she wasn't so considerate to the ones she loved, if she wasn't so god damn perfect for him in every way imaginable, then perhaps her image wouldn't cloud his vision every where he went.

But now, Nate refused to admit that he was infatuated with Blair Waldorf, because he would not admit defeat. And God, has she defeated him. Captivated him. Ruined him. Captured him. And all the other phrases that would never explain just how much she had fucked him up.

Maybe that is why he was so harsh with her. Maybe that was why he said the things he said and did the things he did, because he couldn't bare the thought of admitting to his own ruination.

He was better than that and he would be honest with himself.

Infatuated with Blair? No. He was in love with her for sure.

–

"What are you doing here?"

Blair had expected her voice to be malicious, deathly even. Any type of tone that would illustrate how displeased she was. Yet the words came out uneven and in a defensive manner and Blair knew that she would break any minute.

She was the mirror and he would always be the fist.

"I need to talk to you," mumbled Nate, a pensive expression flooding down his face.

He had lied in bed awake for many countless nights thinking of this moment because he could not put his need for her to rest. Iniquitous images of her legs wrapped around him and his lips upon her neck fluttered into his restless mind and they were enough to keep sleep away from him for hours.

And in the end, Nate was disgusted. Disgusted that this goddess of a woman had broken down his defenses all over again. Disgusted at the fact that even if he did ever get to make love to her again it wouldn't be enough. It would never be adequate because it was not just her body but her heart that bound him to his solitariness.

Blair didn't reply. Instead she let silence engulf them as the room lay silent around them too, beckoning for Nate to continue.

"I'm so sorry," he apologized, his eyes clouded over with a look of shame.

"For what?" But Blair knew. She knew exactly what he was being sorry for, she wanted to hear him say it.

"For not appreciating you enough and taking our friendship for granted. For not being thankful for how much you care. I'm sorry for being a jerk and telling you that you didn't have anything for me," answered Nate, his blue eyes glancing over at her, "Blair you do. You have everything I could ever need. And... I'm sorry I tried putting this wall around us so we couldn't be closer. I'm sorry for everything."

Blair wanted to smile. She really did. She wanted to thank him and invite him to sit down, perhaps she could make him a cup of coffee. God knew when Dorota would be back from her vacation and the replacement had been sent home due to the worsening winter weather conditions. Plus, something about making it for him herself sent a familiar chill up her spine.

Unfortunately, Blair soon realized that this was one of those rare moments when Nate's words hadn't made such an impact.

"It's too late for your apology," replied a frustrated Blair, who sauntered off across the living room towards the wide window. Heavy snow was now beginning to pile up on the streets below, indicating the storm meteorologists were warning about for the past couple of days had finally arrived.

She didn't even have to turn around to be aware of Nate's hurt face.

And perhaps she was wrong all along. Perhaps she really was the iron fist in her dreams and Nate was the mirror. If she was wrong about this, Blair didn't want to imagine what else she could be wrong about. She didn't want to give into Nate for him being the helpless one of them two; the one that was always pushed aside.

Nate made no effort to come closer and for a minute Blair was grateful, considering she might break at any moment. She closed her eyes shut and placed the palm of her right hand on the cool glass. The cold calmed her aching, heated nerves. After what seemed like days, she began to get curious of why Nate hadn't said anything, so Blair peered over her shoulder and it was then that she realized that he was gone.

A twinge of pain shuttered though her until she felt his presence next to her. Blair looked over and there he was, just a few inches away from her left, looking at the unrestrained weather out the window as well.

Blair felt her heart rate increase until it began pounding in her ears, overriding the sound of the blistering winds outside. She couldn't bear to relive the experience. She had done a good job of self pity and denial, why stop now?

"Blair." Nate turned to her, saying her name so simply he was surprised that he hadn't said it once in so many long years.

"Go away Nate," she stepped back, wrapping her arms around herself. The temperature had dropped, suddenly leaving her parched for warmth, "I want to be alone."

He didn't listen. Instead, Nate advanced in her direction, knowing that she had no where to go.

Every time he had told her he was happy, it had been a lie. A lie to cover up the sick truth that he would do anything for her. Anything to have her. Because Nate wasn't happy. He was far from it.

All those years ago when he had to watch with disdain and jealously as Blair's slender arms would wrap around his best friend's neck, Nate had always felt like something was breaking inside of him. When she would kiss Chuck he would convince himself that Chuck didn't deserve Blair. And then Nate would realize that he didn't deserve her either.

Blair had him waiting then and she had him waiting now and he just couldn't let her go. He couldn't leave her.

"Is that what you really want?" he asked solemnly, waiting patiently, his hands finding their way into his pockets.

She could have lied. Blair was good a lying. She had lied before and she would lie again. Although that was the case, Blair couldn't bring herself into lying this time.

"No," she shook her head, feeling a silent sob rack her insides because it was true. Nate had cursed her. He had bewitched her and Blair knew that she always felt this way.

There was a pause.

"Well Blair, what do you want?" Nate demanded. He was afraid, so hurt by her lies, he just wanted to know her again.

He had wondered if Chuck had ever heard his girlfriend's name slip from his mouth during one of those rare nights after they would hit a party and Nate would end up crashing at his best friend's place. Would Chuck have been angry with him? Would he have beaten him till every bone in his body broke? And the scenarios just kept rolling and somewhere in his mind he wished Chuck would have heard Blair's name because Nate needed to have some kind of sense beaten into him.

Blair closed her eyes, trying to prevent a tear from slipping down her face. Because the last thing she needed was to cry in front of Nate. Instantly, she whispered, "I don't know."

And this too was the truth because in amidst her god awful nightmares of self pity and desolation, she wished she had different dreams.

Blair wished she could dream of what it would feel like to entwine her tongue with Nate's, just once more. She wished she could envision running her fingers through his soft hair, back and forth along his spine as she would arch accordingly to his touch. Blair wished she could fantasize about wrapping her legs around his waist as he steadied her against his bedroom wall. She wished that for once she could have a dream where her hand wasn't covered in shards of glass, but instead it was holding onto Nate' as the only thing that could be heard were moans and gasps caused by them.

Dreams, Blair understood, were wishes your heart made. But not all dreams came true.

Especially this one.


	2. stuck on the end of this ball and chain

**Chapter: Two**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**Rating: M – you have been warned.**

**Ship(s): N/B**

**Summary: He could have her forever. Have her smile, laugh and cry with him. He could have her walk down the aisle towards him, bear his children and wake up next to him each and every morning. But he won't. She won't let him.**

–

Nevertheless this was reality. And Nate was standing in front of her, looking at her with those blue eyes she adored so much and all she wanted to do was give in because she knew. He wanted her. _He wanted her_.

Suddenly Nate's warm hands were on her shoulders and it was exactly then that Blair understood that she wanted him as well. She had wanted him for so long and it was the most terrifying feeling she had ever experienced in her entire life.

Blair reached up and ran her thumb over his jawline tenderly, gazing up at him at the same time. He leaned down slightly, gently placing his lips over hers. A surge of warmth engulfed them from head to toe, bringing Nate to a high he had only felt when he was with Blair. He moved his hands from her shoulders, holding her small face as he rolled his lips in sync with Blair's. And it felt more right than anything he had ever known.

A sinking feeling settled in Blair's stomach as an unknown pressure erupted in her chest, contracting her ribs with such force that her whole frame froze with surprise. With closed eyes, single fragments of her memories flew past her eyes. She realized something. She realized everything.

She was Blair Waldorf and he was Nate Archibald and it flabbergasted her as to how she had gotten along all this time without him.

Her tongue slid into Nate's mouth, where his tongue gladly mingled with hers. Blair ran her hand enticingly past his stomach through his jacket, feeling his abdominal muscles come to life under her touch. When he eventually took his mouth off hers and looked at her, Blair was momentarily afraid. If they stopped, then it was definitely over and she wasn't quite sure if she was ready for him to walk away. She caught her breath in her throat as she stared in a mesmerizing trance.

Gingerly, Nate began unzipping his coat as Blair watched with anticipation. When it finally came off it didn't take a moment's hesitation for her to throw herself back into his arms. Blair could not wait any longer than she already had to. She knew that making love wasn't meant to be rushed, but this wasn't anything close. This wasn't anywhere near a moment of clarity for her. She was realizing, after all this time that Nate wanted her. He wanted her again and, admittedly, she hadn't felt so alone in such a long time.

The minute Blair slipped her sweater off, Nate's lips were over hers again. This time moving more urgently. By then, he was only left in his shirt and trousers and the mere thought of a sweaty, panting Blair was enough to bring him over the edge.

She pushed him away with one hand, while the other made it's way around her back to unclasp her bra. Before Nate could catch a glimpse of her beautiful mounds, Blair flicked the black piece of lingerie at him, bounding up the steps. It was the boldest thing imaginable considering the situation they were in and during the entire run, he didn't stare at where her arms are crossed at her chest, instead Nate was engrossed in Blair's nervously blushing face. Soon he realized that she had set him on a wild goose chase.

Something too similar to what had been going on for the past eight years.

Nate thought for a moment, then ran up the staircase after her and pushed past the door to her bedroom. Almost immediately he felt her lips on his, dancing across his tongue with impatience. He hadn't even opened his eyes yet and he was more turned on than he had ever been.

Blair's shaking fingers found his shirt before they quickly started to undo the buttons. He took this time to notice how gorgeous she looked – her messy brown locks and her slightly smudged make up. Nate didn't realize she was finished undressing his shirt until he felt her desperately trying to push it off of him.

Their bare torsos met as their lips did; the feeling of his skin burned soothingly on her. All she wanted to do was kiss him, to feel and taste what she had longed to. So they kissed and kissed, their arms snaked around one another and Blair felt her knees giving away.

"Bed." Blair managed to mumble in between kisses while wrapping her arms around his neck. Nate's hands slid and reached down to unbutton her bottoms as she did the same for him. He fell out of his jeans and she stumbled out of her skirt and tights, consequently catapulting them onto her bed.

She moved to straddle him, feeling how hard he was for her. It bemused her, made her know how bad he wanted it. They were kissing again, and it just didn't seem to stop. After everything, Nate would think that he would have at least forgotten how great of a kisser Blair was, but he hadn't. He traced her jawline with his lips, listening as a sigh escaped from her while nipping the skin of her neck with his teeth. She reached in between them and touched him through his boxers, resulting in a low growl from the back of Nate's throat. Blair fought off a smirk, leaning down and kissing him again.

He flipped them over, his lips giving away a little as his kisses became less intense and more passionate and meaningful because it was never about the lust between them. His hand trickled over her stomach, brushing the soft underside of her breast, reaching up to cup her gently, the pad of his thumb wonderfully rough against her soft skin, resulting in a whimper escaping her swollen lips. Nate slid a hand along her thigh, sweeping over her frame gently as her body shivered at his touches. His lips slowly journeyed downward, quivering fingers sliding Blair's panties over her tennis toned legs. He manged to elicit another moan from her as his mouth caught her softly, his hot tongue massaging her slowly, lovingly. Her back arched towards him.

"Nate..." Blair's hands moved anxiously to his nether regions, reaching for his boxers, desperately pulling them down. "I want you._ I want you, Nate Archibald._"

And who was he to deny her? She was the dangerously, alluring siren and even if he could back away, he didn't want to. It wasn't her enchanting voice that enamored him, it was her heart and Nate couldn't break free.

Except something in the back of his mind barricaded him from pushing forward. It took every fiber of Nate's being to stop and analyze the situation since he knew he had to be responsible. For Blair's sake.

"Are you taking... are you on...?" whispered Nate, unable to finish, hoping Blair understood what he meant.

"Make love to me," was her answer and frankly, it wasn't half of the answer he was expecting. But Nate obliged because he wasn't sure he could handle not exploding when he had her underneath him.

Blair moaned in rapture as he slowly entered her, eyes never leaving hers, hot breath mingling. Pulling him down for a kiss, she rocked her hips towards Nate, wanting, needing for him to continue. He used one hand to hold her hip while using the other to support his weight as he sank into her soft, warm body. She whimpered aloud as rapturous pleasure began surging through her core. Pleasurable moans began filling her bedroom as the volume increased abruptly, the passion between the two climbed higher and higher. Blair's fingernails dug into his back and their bodies began rocking back and forth more forcefully. She gave a strangling cry as her eyes snapped shut, the heat and emotion threatened to overwhelm her.

Nate groaned, her name moving past his lips as he pulled her closer, resting his forehead against hers. His stare locked their eyes together as he finally began to show the love he felt for her. Her breathless, wanting pants urged him on. He continued to thrust inside of her, his pace quickening with every gasp and pant from Blair, filling up the emptiness of the past eight years he had lived. Nate discovered that nothing felt more right. All those girls he thought he had any sense of completion with, he knew it was his irresolute mind. No matter how many times he'd kissed them or touched them this way, none had taken a hold of him like Blair had. She'd left her signature engraved deeply on the surface his heart and no one else could possess it.

"I'm sorry for pushing you away," whispered Blair in between agonizing moans. She knew that it wasn't the time to be having a deep and meaningful conversation, but after so long, she realized that there _never was_.

Nate nodded, showing that he understood, leaning over to kiss her tired mouth.

Her insides began to burn in spasms and waves of pleasure started to ripple through her. Nate's breath hitched in his throat as she suddenly began screaming his name, burying her face into the crook of his neck, her hands clutching at his skin urgently. Soon enough, she tightened around him while letting out one final cry before diving into sweet release. Her body trembled from head to toe. He drove into her a few more times, sustaining her orgasm until he too was pushed over the edge.

Blair laid quietly underneath him, her arms still wrapped tightly around his broad shoulders, still reeling from the pleasure that ebbed from her. Immediately her eyes stung from the onslaught of tears that threatened to take over her exhausted body.

It was then, when Nate proceeded to roll off of her, that he looked down at her, the love unmistakable in his eyes as a questioning look drained his features. This was the happiest he had felt in a long time and seeing the disconnected look on Blair's face pained him. Nonetheless, Nate moved to her side and pulled the sweaty Blair into his arms, worried that if he didn't hold onto her close enough, she'd disappear.

"Are you okay?" he mumbled into her hair, placing soft kisses on her sleek forehead.

And as Nate lay under the covers, adjacent to the woman he loved so dearly close to him, he couldn't help by think about why he waited so long for all of this. Why had he let her walk away all those years ago? Why had he paraded around her helplessly when he could have just kissed her? Nate realized, it didn't matter they he and Blair didn't agree on some things. All that had mattered, all that had ever really mattered was that they were happy and they were in love. Two things that they had shared with each other before he ruined it.

The almost hidden streetlights in the cloudiness outside sent a dim ray of light into the room. From the corner of her eye Blair could see that snow was still violently falling outdoors. She shifted in Nate's arms, staring at him through the faded darkness, nodding her head, hoping a silent 'yes' would reach him.

But even then, Nate pondered about his relationship with her and how if he could, he would go back and fix how he cheated on her and how he let his hurt from the past prevent him from being with her. He wished he could tell her he still had the sweater she gave him (even though it was missing it's heart) and that he wasn't blind – the ruby ring – it was still on her finger from time to time. It was almost enough for Nate to crack a smile mainly because he was hoping. Hoping that Blair too thought about their past as much as he did.

Blair understood that because of what had happened, there was no way for her to go unnoticed by Nate any longer. However, she didn't understand why she couldn't be festive or pleased. The ache in her heart, it had everything to do with lying to this man who was thoughtful enough to presumably give her what she wanted for one night. Wanted. She wanted Nate because she couldn't have him; he was simply the one she couldn't have. Instantly, tears of shame and remorse invaded her as Blair let herself satiate Nate's slick skin. She felt him relax, periodically glance at her with a warm look she hadn't received in years. Blair knew that he was probably waiting for her to say something but she couldn't. She'd wait till morning, Blair decided, because it was typical of Nate.

He always gave her what she wanted and what she needed, too. But he didn't know the difference. And she hated him for it.

Before long, the comfort and warmth of being so close to Nate caused her to drift off into a gentle slumber.

Nate waited until he was absolutely certain Blair was asleep before he whispered, "I love you", because he couldn't bear to look at the desolation on her face if he didn't. Mostly in fear that she would try to get away from him again. But she didn't. No. Out of all the smarter, handsomer and more sophisticated boys Blair Waldorf could have been with, she picked him. She found him. And she wasn't running away. Instead, over eight years later, she was curled up against him and Nate didn't know of a time he was happier.

Blair Waldorf had no dreams that night.

–

They were discovered by Serena the next morning, limbs coiled under Blair's bed sheets. The curious blond had come to check up on her best friend after the previous night's convulsive snow storm, worried Blair would be panicking from the damaged telephone lines. Except she ended up finding more than she bargained for – and a not so panicky Blair.

Serena stood silently in Blair's bedroom, watching as the owner rustled in bed, untangling herself, yawning and sitting up, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. The second the brunette caught sight of her, she grasped her sheets and pulled them against her chest protectively.

"Serena?" Her voice was light, the way it only was after a long night's rest. "What are you doing here?"

"Well I was here to see how you were holding up after the storm last night, but uhh... I guess someone beat me to the chase," answered Serena, her eyes wandering off the the sleeping man beside her best friend.

Blair followed her gaze, eyes landing on a slumbering Nate. God – he was so cute when he slept, with the way his mouth was slightly parted and his hair, an unkempt mess. His breathing shallow and it was evident that one of his arms had once been launched over her earlier.

Serena cleared her throat causing Blair to look back at her best friend after gazing at Nate a moment too long. Sometimes she wondered what went on in that gorgeous little head of his.

"I think this is yours," she said, holding out a black piece of lingerie towards her. A rosy, pink blush dispersed over her nose and cheeks as she quickly snatched the material out of her best friend's hand. Blair sighed, her eyes riveting back to Nate.

"Friends don't do this," she spoke the woman on the other side of the room, referring to him. It wasn't hard to infer what had happened.

"Well you guys have never been _just friends_,"

And those exact words were the ones that pinched Blair's soul because Serena was right. They had been friends – her and Nate, but that was years ago, when they were both too young to even know what a relationship was. And it meant, that during the past years they had been apart, Nate had had to have felt something for her.

Suddenly Blair felt so stupid. All those times when Nate complimented her, he didn't do it to be polite, he really meant them. She had mistaken his adoring smiles for something less than their value, and when he tried to make her laugh (and Nate had succeeded one too many times), he had done it so he could see her smile and know that he was the reason. And when Nate had kissed her cheeks, Blair never once thought of how much it probably killed him. How he probably wanted to kiss her somewhere more intimate because he wanted her. But she had been too stubborn, too proud and used to the comfort of having him around like a _friend_ to have noticed.

"Yeah. I know," answered Blair, bringing her knees up to her chin, turning her head to stare at the white snow on the rooftops underneath the blank sky outside.

–

It was a month before Nate and Blair saw each other again. Nate wanted to think that it was because they had both been busy with their lives, but honestly, he knew that they were both waiting for the other to phone or show up at the others doorstep. And he, himself, hadn't done anything because he wanted to give Blair the time and the space she needed to think. One entire month, four weeks, since that amazing night of the storm and as unforgettable as it was, there were many complications that had to be resolved if anything could be started again.

It was a late February evening, the snow and cold was still hovered through New York when Blair showed up at his door, dressed in a thick coat, fur scarf and warm gloves. There was an inevitable look on her beautifully porcelain face and Nate swallowed, getting more nervous with every passing second he let her stand outside in the frigid weather.

Blair fidgeted with her coat buttons once Nate let her in. He noticed how the instant heat of his house had turned her nose bright red that he almost leaned over to kiss her, but he figured that by then he would know when to control himself.

"Blair?" his voice cut through her painfully as it reeled her back to reality, hitting her across the face.

She found her voice with difficulty. "I'm... I'm late. I'm really late."

Before Blair knew it, her eyes were wet with tears as she snapped her eyes closed and sunk them in. She made a point not to look at Nate, she didn't want him to know how upset she was. She wanted to be strong and not to burden him.

However, against her wishes, Blair's tears did not go unnoticed by him. He place a hand on her back and rubbed it lightly, worried, while his heart raced a mile a minute. Nate had known what she was going to say before the words even came out and perhaps he had known the minute he saw her standing at his doorstep. But after hearing Blair's suspicions from her mouth, it just made everything more concrete and impending.

And instead of feeling morbid or afflicted by the news of a would-be life growing inside of Blair – the woman Nate couldn't help thinking of constantly – he felt his heart swell with elation.

"Blair?" Nate repeated, softer and more tender that Blair couldn't avoid looking at him any longer.

When her eyes met his, she let go, crashing her head against his firm, solid chest because it was the only place she had ever really known. And for once, Blair let herself cry, allowing her heartfelt tears to stream down because it was alright. If her assumption was correct then she'd be putting everything on the line; both her career and her life would collapse. Nate's arm wrapped around her tightly, reassuringly and Blair realized that for the first time since she suspected the news, she felt so much better. She almost felt as if she were right where she belonged.

"Hey," he cooed, stroking her dark, long hair soothingly, "it's alright."

Nate kissed the top of her head and a wave of warmth exploded through her. He continued comforting her and Blair found herself feeling guilty for taking him granted and not coming to him sooner, rather than waiting for an opportunity, such as the one she could possibly be carrying with her.

"I... I-I don't know what... I don't know...," sniffed Blair, clinging onto him, her voice trailing off as she carried on her silent sobbing.

"I'll never leave you," said Nate, pressing her closer.

And he meant it, praying that his words would stick to her through thick and thin so she wouldn't have to be terrified because Blair Waldorf was not one to be so afraid. People both feared and admired her; they were harsh to her and she was harsh right back, demanding respect when she really had very little at all. Because while the rest of the world ran in fear of her, Nate knew that sometimes one had to believe in something they could not understand.

And Nate didn't understand. He couldn't possibly comprehend where the possibility of a child, _his_ child, left things off with Blair.

_But he knew._ Knew that soon he didn't have to try to hide his definitive feelings from Blair anymore and he could stop leaving the lying up to her.

Perhaps then, Nate could stop dreaming of her loving him again.


	3. diving into the deepend

**Chapter: Three**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. **

**Rating: T**

**Ship(s): N/B**

**Summary: He could have her forever. Have her smile, laugh and cry with him. He could have her walk down the aisle towards him, bear his children and wake up next to him each and every morning. But he won't. She won't let him.**

**Author's Note: **Okay, so I've decided to redo this chapter instead of adding another one for two reasons. One, the fourth chapter would have been too short and two, because I think the additional things I've added fit better into this one, so enjoy.

–

It was his fault, Blair decided. Nate had never made it easy for her to love him. He had so many issues and he was emotional **–** despite his best efforts to be seen otherwise. Nate made it hard for her to love him because she couldn't trust him.

His face was carefully blank, his eyes bare and his promises just as empty, she figured. In contrast to her own inner void, Blair imagined herself to be a mess; tear-stained; disarrayed hair. Sometimes she wondered if it would be too must to ask for him to be a little less sedated. If even during all those prospects of them breaking apart forever in the past ever did something besides pique him.

Blair had known from the beginning that getting her heart involved with Nate was a bad idea those many nights ago, but she had done it anyways because she wanted him and he had wanted her. After so long she wasn't masked behind the very picture of apathy, because although Blair had constantly been told she was beautiful... with him she felt even _more_ beautiful.

Because Nate wanted her; _he needed her,_ she realized.

But she didn't. Blair didn't need him because she couldn't trust _herself _with _more_.

And _more_ was exactly what Nate was. He was amusive, affectionate, brave and so much _more_ than the mere word of perfection. He was more than anything she could imagine and more than she knew she could handle.

It was obvious then, that he cared for her more than she did for him. And it just wasn't fair; having _more_ came with an unjustified price.

–

They weren't together and it killed Nate, slicing through his heart like a paring knife.

And it was impossibly painful for him to understand. He wanted Blair. He wanted her _forever_. He wanted to love her and hold her and protect her for as long as he lived. And it was stupid. Because Nate could have her. He could have her forever. Have her smile, laugh and cry with him. He could have her walk down the aisle towards him, bear his children and wake up next to him each and every morning.

But he won't. She didn't want him.

That was why Nate woke up alone, clothes strewn across his room, pain shooting through his body, his heart as sore as the rest of his frame. He didn't recognize himself through his bloodshot eyes with the dark circles underneath nor the heavily built scruff that was mount on his face. Nate did not look like the confident, charming and good-looking guy Blair had once proclaimed him to be; what she had made him feel those some nights ago.

No. Instead he looked and _felt_ like the broken mess he was and Nate knew that Blair had succeeded in breaking him down, again.

She had always done so.

The wall **– **the one he tried to break down and the one she apologized for building **– **Blair had rebuilt it when she informed him of her un-escorted doctor's visit.

–

Although Nate promised he would be there for Blair with certainty, he did not blame her with competence. He didn't deserve her, he knew that. Blair was better off without him because he was conceited and unreliable and he'd made her cry one too many times.

"Blair?"

He was hallucinating. Dreaming. Wishing. Praying. Blair Waldorf was _not_ at his doorstep (once again).

Realizing that he needed to clear his head, Nate decided to take a stroll outside in the cold evening because he did his best thinking when he was moving in the outdoors. It was the most peculiar thing, really. The only time Nate decided to leave his home, he found the woman he had been avoiding just a few inches from his front door.

"I'm not pregnant," stated Blair, grimly, her face softened slightly when she realized that she would still do anything for this man she never _really_ had.

"What?" Nate spluttered, not even think of inviting her as a morbid feeling swept over him for a moment. _She was not carrying his child. _"But you told me the doctor–"

"It was a false alarm. It happens."

It took him a few minutes to analyze the realization before reaching his epiphany, giving her a meaningful look.

"Do you want to come inside?" he whispered, unsuspecting of the placidity of her facial expression. Nate almost knew her answer, but her reply threw him completely off guard.

"I finally know what I want Nate and...you can't give it to me." Blair mumbled back quietly. She refused to look at his face, only wanting those wasted minutes in bliss when she could envision herself in a moment where none of this was happening.

She knew she was slowing breaking his heart, prying it open with her piercing words and she just couldn't stop.

"Blair..." He felt as though she were pelting him with bricks.

Weakly, Nate ran his gaze across the darkness of her eyes, the line of her nose, the fullness of her lips **– **secretly locking her features away in the realm of his silent dreams, as though it would be the last time he'd see her. He made a move towards Blair, pushing himself forward.

"No stop! Just... stop, okay?" she whimpered feebly, "I'm sorry Nate. I'm sorry I just can't."

Memories of Nate had began to haunt her once again repeatedly and she wondered why he just wouldn't leave her alone. Vague, suspiciously bright images of him and everything they'd done settled themselves into her sleep over and over again like some sort of broken videotape.

"You lied to me. All this time, _you lied to me_, Blair," confronted Nate, he was thinking of the past again because it was the wrong thing to do and he did have a tendency to do things the wrong way, no matter how good his intentions were.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Blair asked angrily, suddenly confused. The chilling climate spewed their condensed breaths in each others direction, before blending with the rest of the snow covered city.

"You said that you were sorry for pushing me away," he laughed exasperatedly in fear that if he didn't, he might scream. "You didn't mean it at all."

"Nate–" No. He was wrong, she convinced herself. Because Nate didn't know her. He didn't see her_**–**_not the way she wanted to be seen.

"I should have known Blair. You've been pushing me away for _so long_." Nate reminded her, since he owed her that much. She had completely destroyed him after all.

"I've been pushing you away? I've been pushing you away all this time, huh?" She had raised herself after senior year believing that everything they had done was wrong; that _they_ in general were wrong.

"Yes!" He was yelling at her, because she had to listen to him, she had to understand. And maybe if he spoke louder then she could hear him better, _read_ him better. "I'm starting to think that you've never really loved _me_, Blair. It was always about you and your friends and your grades and your parties. You loved the idea of someone wearing your heart on their sleeve, but you didn't love the guy wearing the damn sweater!"

"I can't believe you, Nate," snapped Blair, who could feel the tears starting to sting the corner of her eyes. She cursed herself for letting him do this to her. "If I didn't love you, then why did you want me? Why did you show up at my door wearing that _damn _sweater all those years ago? What about all those times, Nate? All those times when I was with Chuck and you didn't say anything. _You avoided me_. You avoided the fact that I picked Chuck over you and you didn't feel anything. Because God knows if you can feel anything with that capricious heart of yours!"

"Oh right, because it's always my fault." But that wasn't it. Of course Nate felt something. Incompetence, vigilance, defeat and any other word that could describe how torn up he had been.

"Exactly! This is what you do Nate. You destroy everything until it's as fucked up as you and then wonder why any of it can't be fixed!" She screamed at him furiously.

Blair wanted to hit him. Hit him hard and demand for him to see her for what she was. See _them_ for what they were.

Brilliant; tainted; decadent; _broken_.

There was a small silence, marred only by the sound of their own dolorous breathing and the city traffic far off.

"_I love you."_

"_I'm sorry for pushing you away."_

"_...what do you want?"_

Nate wanted more of her. He loved her, but it wasn't enough. He needed more of her. He wanted more of Blair, in a way he had never had her before. But how could he tell her without chasing her away? What could he tell her that she didn't already know, by the way she was looking at him? By the way that he touched her?

She was swaying on her feet, the heat that was previously pouring through her had calmed down and the glacial weather was starting to take its toll on her small body. Sighing, Blair stuffed her gloved hands into her coat pockets, lifting her head to stare at him with the small amount of strength she had left.

"I..." Blair began, but stopped, realizing that she had too many weaknesses and Nate already knew all of them. Instead, she turned away, "Good-bye to you."

And so it was.

–

Nate wanted to leave her alone.

He wanted _this,_ whatever it was between them, to end, because he didn't know _what_ they were. One day they were friends, the next they were sleeping together, and then Blair said she wanted to be away from him.

He was so confused, and hurt, and lost that Nate just wanted to shake her and ask her again what it exactly was that she wanted. But that would be weak since it would be a direct recall to the night that started this whole mess.

The snow melted and winter turned into spring and it was all a little blurry really, like someone painted a perfect picture of his life and then decided to erase the lines. The colours bled into one another and everything either felt the same or he just didn't notice the difference.

Sometimes when Nate saw Blair he felt nothing, but other times, he could feel the pieces of something deep in his chest cut tender flesh.

The women he had began seeing thought he was still in love with her, and sometimes, he thought he was too.

-

Blair would rarely dream anymore and when she did it was one of those awful and fanciful dreams she cooked up when she was young.

She would dream of a house with a white picket fence and a front porch with a creaky old swing. And there'd be daisies and tulips and roses lining the walk to the front door and Blair had a terrible time dreaming of who was behind it.

And it was a good thing too, because then she woke up and realized that all of it would have been pointless anyway.

There was a time that Blair thought the belief in her dreams were real and that they would come true, and they didn't. So all she could do was watch them waver in front of her at night like a memory not ready to be returned to the recesses of her mind.

She blamed herself, then Nate, and then no one because it had gotten her no where.

-

When Nate finally saw her again, and _really_ saw her, when she wasn't hiding behind her air of supremacy and bitter words, was an occurrence that Nate questioned it's existence. Because the last thing Nate could remember about Blair Waldorf was the tightness of her uneager smile as she left him at his door, and Christ, that still kind of hurt.

He wiped the sweat that had accumulated on his forehead during his run with the back of his hand as he approached her, wanting to look the least bit presentable in front of Blair.

Yeah, she still did that to him.

The moment Blair saw him, she instinctively turns into another direction, avoiding the herd of tourists that scampered around the part.

But then her feet stopped almost impassively because it was never easy to get away from Nate.

He _always_ ended up finding her in the end.

They didn't say much when there was barely two feet of space in between them, and Blair was cautious to advert her eyes from his because she didn't feel like looking directly at everything she had left behind. If Nate was happy, she didn't want to see how well he was without her, or if he wasn't, she didn't want to be the cause of his unhappiness.

The more Blair thought about the situation in front of him the more she wanted to leave it alone, and not have anything to do with it or him.

It had never been about the formalities between the two because Nate and Blair had known each other since forever, so reluctant greetings ceased to move past their lips and after a couple of minutes of complete silence Nate quietly said the first aching thought that came to him.

"Why don't you stay?"

At first Blair thought he meant this park for the remainder of the day, but then he looked at her with his heart-pounding gaze and she almost wanted to strike him.

Instead, she pinched the bridge of her noise and sighed with an emotion somewhere between annoyance and misery and replied.

"Nate, you know I can't."

"Why not?" Nate asked, suddenly desperate, because he knew this would be the last time they would speak of anything that really mattered.

"Because you and I have been over for years. I'm sorry for what happened," she preached as her mouth dried instantly.

Her response was so calm that it angered Nate and made him feel betrayed.

"I love you, Blair," he said, wishing it was enough and knowing that it wasn't. Nate felt so stupid getting so frustrated over something that held no promises, but that didn't stop him from feeling so remorseful and wounded.

Blair's expression immediately softened as she squinted up to look at him, "I know Nate, but please stop looking so hurt. _You'll still get your happy ending_."

She couldn't believe she told him he'd be happy when her own inner turmoil and her dreams had turned her upside down. However, when Blair looked at him, she just knew.

"Why can't it be with you?" Nate asked accusingly, suddenly understanding all over again why Blair Waldorf had unconsciously been such a huge part of his life. He never had to pine after her, because she always opened herself up to him – or at least she did before he took it for granted in high school.

Blair didn't answer him because she was already sure they had made some sort of progress, or maybe she didn't answer because she didn't want to, or perhaps because she didn't know why. Maybe she would learn soon, but until then, she had to stop dragging Nate on.

But Blair Waldorf was nothing if not anything with Nate Archibald, so she kindly shook her head to dismiss his question before taking a few steps back, eyes lingering on his, before turning around, fully confident that Nate wouldn't follow since he was smart enough to see the truth in her words.

She hoped she would get her happy ending as well, and maybe, she just might would.

-

_You finger the expensive, white-gold pendant that anchors the chain around your neck as the golden-haired boy shuffles awkwardly on his feet and casts anxious glances over your shoulder._

_Something quivers inside your stomach because you've never seen him like this before; you've never seen him so anxious or uneasy since you've been busy thinking he is rather charming and sweet instead._

_Regretfully, you turn and roam your eyes over the congesting traffic and suddenly your heart is hammering inside your chest when you see a beautiful, dark haired woman step outside a town car and walk briskly down the street. _

_You try to tell yourself that she doesn't mean anything to the man in front of you because _you a_re the one carrying the symbol of his appreciation around your neck._

_But you know that every look he sends that woman with his gorgeous blue eyes means more than any necklace ever could. _

_-_

Le Fin.


End file.
